A Runner

From 《The Blind Side》, Michael's born mother told Leigh Anne that he was "a runner". I am a runner, too. I'm not running away from those who care me but those whom I care.

To me, it's pretty easy to make friends with people I like. I always treat them sincerely with a genuine heart and it usually returns in positive responses. It works fine in the circle of 'friendship'. However, whenever my feelings to them raise to another level, I become dumb and stupid and don't know how to interact with them. The worst is, my intentions or feelings are very easy to figure out and being sensed.

Some of them start to make distance, and some honestly express the impossibility (between us). It is really not a big deal. I could just simply step back and we could still be good friends. But somehow I just cannot easily let go and trying to run away. Run away from them and run away from the friendship I built.

I really like to just restrain myself from drowning in the feelings with them. The stronger I want to do that, that faster I want to run away. I thought I could just forget about them if not seeing them in any way, but ironically the more complete I disappear the more desperate I am to know everything about them. Such disappearance, becomes meaningless.

Deep in my heart I know that I just want to get their attention. One day when I show up I will receive a greeting like "hey where have you been? are you alright?". But SO WHAT? It is the 7th day since I forced myself disappear (but only on the Internet). Those who care me surely find out something was wrong and was trying to contact me. Those whom I care also did the same thing but I just so afraid to receive such care.

I don't even know what am I writing now. I just need to write something about my feeling but I'm too afraid to write it clearly in Chinese.

So... that's just another insignificant article making no change.

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