Apologise

I've got a bad habit. I tend to treat some people childishly just like a pupil. I intervene their lives too deep and care about everything too much. A bit over to them as a friend, and a bit annoying I believe. I have quite unstable temper on them easily and I complicate everything because I think too much, much more than I used to. These people are ones I care intensively and want to be with them desperately. Yes, they were people I have been fallen for.

In these cases, they usually don't have the same feeling to me contrary. What has been following up was an enormous sense of inferiority. I feel weaker and lower than everyone else that they know and I blame myself, hate myself whenever I have such feeling. However that does not stop me from doing stupid things mostly. I behaved weirdly, spoke clumsily, and ultimately, I was disliked.

I might just have given away too much... well, love, and couldn't hold my step. I rushed too fast and left no space for them to breathe and to adjust how to get along with me. I may persuade myself that it is normal to act that much over because I care for them too much, but it is not reasonable way of treating people, particularly those I care so much quoted by myself.

I think I should redefine "polite". Being polite is not just talking gently and acting graciously. What is coming from being polite must be a completely respect. Respect their privacy, likes and dislikes, and respect their feeling about me. Without honesty, repect, and a truly healthy attitude, I would only become a worst annoying person.

Might they don't even want to hear but leave me, I still want to apologise for what I've done to them which has made them feel bad. I shall restrain myself from doing strange things and talking strange words, and start over again as a friend. I must not ruin their faith & trust on me to treat me as a friend, even if I cannot reach to what I yearn for.


我有個壞習慣。我總是像個小學生似地幼稚地對待某些人。我介入他們的生活過深、關心得過多，以朋友的身份來說有點太超過，某種程度上，我相信這也使人厭 煩。我在情緒上會變得不穩定，而且把所有事情都給複雜化，想得比平常多更多。我對這些人異常地在乎與關心，並且迫切地期望能與她們在一起。是的，她們是我 曾經迷戀過的人。

在那些案例中，她們多半對我並沒有同等的感覺，隨此而來的則是巨大的自卑感。我覺得我比她們身邊的任何一個人都還要糟糕與低下。每當我這麼想的時候，我又會責怪與討厭自己這個樣子。然而，這仍不足以阻止我做一些蠢事。我開始表現得莫名其妙、說話拙劣無趣，最後… 被討厭。

我或許是付出了太多的… 呃，感情，而且無法停下腳步。我衝得太快而奪去了她們喘息的空間，也讓她們不知如何調整與我相處。我或許可以說服自己說：會有這些行為是正常的，因為我太在乎她們了，但這並不是一個拿來對待朋友的合理藉口，尤其是如我所說，這麼在乎的朋友。

我想我該重新定義「禮貌」。對人禮貌並不是只表現在言語行為上，禮貌的根源來自於完全的尊重。尊重對方的隱私、喜好，並尊重她們對我的感覺。當誠實、尊重與一個真誠健康的態度不存在時，我只會成為一個更令人厭煩的傢伙。

也許她們只想逃離而不願再多聽我說些什麼，但我還是必需為了那些讓她們感覺不好的事而道歉。我將會收斂自己，不再做些奇怪的事或說些奇怪的話，重新從朋友做為起點。就算無法達到我所期盼的，我也不該糟蹋她們身為朋友所給予我的信任。





既然已經走出過去了，就該正確、健康地邁向未來。

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